Reviewing my options

Well, it has been a long time since I've written. Why? well, I thought: I don't really have anything good to report so I might be better off not writing anything at all.

In my previous post I mentioned loosing a pregnancy at 8 wks gestation around easter this year. That was only one of the things that have been hard on me this year.

All-in-all being a working mum is sucks in so many ways. In a lot of ways it gives you back your sense of self, but on so many other levels you feel like you are under performing. You know you could be a better mother - if you only had the time, and you know you could do better at work, if you only had the time. Understanding from collegues is often lacking. one of mine told me that as a mother I'm simply no longer a reliable employee. Guilt is pretty much pushed on you wherever you go.

So, with everything that happened, since the miscarriage i've been on the edge of being depressed. often I feel like it is getting better, and then I slide backwards a bit again. I am not all-out depressed, I just seem to be in a constant state of crisis management. Trying to manage everyones expectations and my own is the hardest I guess. People say: "look after yourself first before you look after others". This is an impossibility. I'll give you an example: What I need most of all is peace in my head and time with my husband and my girls to earth myself again. Yet, every Friday Duanes parents are spending time at our place because they want to spend time with their grand children. I appreciate this inmensely and don't want them not to have the time with the kids, but it does mean that I loose a day in which I could attend activities with the multiple birth association, take the girls somewhere just because I want to, or simply do my own thing. Its a double-edged sword.

So I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday often the girls from my mothers group catch up, Friday Les and Ruth are there, Saturday and Sunday Duane is home and those days are often busy as anything as well.

Up until a few weeks ago I enjoyed work. I don't anymore, well, not really. Something serious happened where I was put in the middle of a difficult situation. I made the correct decision ethically and morally but it cost me on an emotional level bigtime. I can't talk about the details as this is confidential, but it was a very difficult situation and the stress of this is still affecting me.

With that, I am pregnant again, currently 14 weeks. Due at the end of May. First trimester was difficult with me feeling rather sick most of the time. Getting ready for this child is weird. I'm still not sure if I'm even happy about the pregnancy.

So, I've done my sums, looked for information etc and it works out that if I go back to work after this little one is born I'd be working for exactly $150 per week. $50 a day. Is that worth the stress, the exhaustion, the guilt etc? I'm honestly not sure anymore. Financially we need that $150 so I don't think staying home is an option. I'd be looking at different ways to make the money tho, and see how we go.

So, if you see me, and I'm not my bubbly self... you know why: I'm spread too thin, trying desparately to keep everything together, I'm pregnant and exhausted. so I appologise for being short and grumpy and I'm sure it will get better in time.

Take care, and treasure what you have. You never know when it changes beyond recognition.

11 months old

So, the girls are getting close to their first birthday. The last two months have been eventful. For a little while there we were expecing child number 3 (miscarried at 8 wks gestation). Emma ended up in hospital with a bladder infection, Both girls have had gastro and now Caitlin has toncilitis and Emma has a rash which might or might not be contageous. The doctor seems to be more concerned about Caitlin yet everything in me is worried more about Emma. Not sure what to do about that one yet. So - how do we cope? We don't to be honest, you just keep on going. Not very many options really.

Developmentally the girls have grown heaps: They now crawl really well. They stand up and walk holding on to furniture. Emma is able to walk holding one hand for support. It has to be her left hand tho, she can't do it if we hold her right hand. She is also getting better at 'free' standing.

It is nearly 4:30 am and I've been awake for a while. Hopefully I get to upload some photos and videos of the girls before everyone wakes up. Today will be another of those "just keep going" days I'm sure.

March report

So it is now the end of March. March has not been that great a month in some cases, it has been wonderful in others.

Both Caitlin and Emma now crawl. Emma at full speed, Caitlin still a bit slower but they go places together now and its great. I can sit on the ground and ask them to come to me. They do :) They love climbing all over me. Both girls are really good at standing up too. I'm sure they'll be walking before too long.

Been back at work for nearly two months now. The girls don't seem to mind daycare all that much. They love to play and are definately thriving with the challenges they get. The other day Emma got bitten because she wanted to play with someone elses security blanket. She will have to learn these things *grins*

There are a total of 4 teeth between the two girls, two bottom teeth. Their vocab has changed, they have a myriad of sounds now which is really rather cute.
So it is now the end of March. March has not been that great a month in some cases, it has been wonderful in others.

Both Caitlin and Emma now crawl. Emma at full speed, Caitlin still a bit slower but they go places together now and its great. I can sit on the ground and ask them to come to me. They do :) They love climbing all over me. Both girls are really good at standing up too. I'm sure they'll be walking before too long.

Been back at work for nearly two months now. The girls don't seem to mind daycare all that much. They love to play and are definately thriving with the challenges they get. The other day Emma got bitten because she wanted to play with someone elses security blanket. She will have to learn these things *grins*

There are a total of 4 teeth between the two girls, two bottom teeth. Their vocab has changed, they have a myriad of sounds now which is really rather cute.

Caitlin got sick with a throat infection last week of February, Emma got toncilitis first week of March, Caitlin got a cold second week of march, Emma got a cold third week of march, Caitlin got an ear-infection last monday and today Emma started to develop spots which might or might not be chicken pox. Emma is not sleeping well, having a bad cough and waking herself up regulary. This has gone on for weeks and Duane and I are getting a bit frayed around the edges. I guess this is where having Twins is harder than having a singleton. Atleast then you get the week of "downtime" between illnesses.

Twin Mothers Guilt

Lots and lots has happened since my last post. To give a report here would mean this post would be WAY too long so I'm not going to. Lets just say that the end of 2008 could have gone somewhat smoother.

At the moment we have my parents staying with us. They have been here since mid december. unfortunately they are leaving again in just over a weeks time. Next week Tuesday I have to take caitlin for an EEG as she had a fit early december. She has had a few minor ones since, but nothing major.

Guilt.
One of the things I didn't expect was how often I feel guilty. We have two babygirls who equally deserve my full and undivided attention. I can't. The amount of times I have to let one cry because I simply only have one set of arms.... I hate it. It is like I'm selling them short. I know people say that I'm not, and I know they are right but emotionally I feel like I should be doing a way better job than I have been.

Now, the worst thing so far was that I have to go back to work soon. Slightly sooner than expected as my replacement at work has resigned.

[I've published this unfinished post and will contintue in the next one...]