19 wk Scan today

Ok I'm rather excited about what happened today :) We had our 19 week scan. I've been a bit neurotic about this whole thing and this put my mind at ease for atleast a few days (I hope). So I thought I'd share some photos. I haven't tried to do this before so it might fail miserably....

Baby 2: Side-on face


Baby 2: 3d image: hand in front of face



Baby 1: back& bottom view

Baby 1: a 3d shot of the face.

If this was a singleton pregnancy this would normally be the last scan, but because , according to the sonographer/doctor, "obstetricians go anal over twins", we have another scan in about 9 weeks to check how they are growing.

I have a normal check-up in about a week.

Infertility and happy endings

Most people in our lives know Duane and I have problems with falling pregnant without help. I have Endometriosis and Duane doesn't really produce very active sperm. So, as I often say jokingly, between the two of us we're excelent birthcontrol.


How does infertility affect ones life? That is a really hard and very personal question to answer. I honestly have to say that I don't know how it really affects Duane. I think the most difficult thing is the coming to terms with the fact that your life is different from what you envisioned it to be in a way that makes you doubt your self-worth, your view on life and reality.


When you first decide with your partner to start 'trying' for a family, it makes sex just a little more exciting and fun. When 'nothing' happens the first few months you shrug away worry and keep 'practising'. Then after a while you start to think "maybe our timing is off" and you try to figure out when ovulation is exactly and start more "scheduling" sex. After 1 to 2 years of trying you go to the doctor. At this point you start to worry, but are still trying to tell yourself that 'it might be something simple. The doctor then again tell you about timing, maybe do a sperm test and tell you about ovulation predictor kits (if you haven't worked that one out on your own). Then a referral to a gyneacologist. By this time you have created an imaginary finish-line in your mind, one you are reaching for with all your might, one which seems to come so easely to everyone else. You start to doubt your femininity, your right to be, your life, your dreams, your aspirations. It can be very debilitating. The need to attain this "goal" becomes all absorbing and I can't compare it to anything but being addicted trying to get a fix (not that I've ever been addicted but I'd imagine they would feel a drive just as difficult to ignore). People in our lives are happy for us now we're pregnant. They 'know' (read: have seen from the outside) what we've gone through. If you find this blog without knowing us: We've been pregnant twice before. The first pregnancy ended at 7.5 weeks. This was our little girl Sophie. The second pregnancy ended at 6 weeks. our little boy Adrian. After loosing Adrian Duane and I decided enough was enough. That was over 4 years ago.


So what constitutes a happy ending in relation to Infertility.

A lot of people will say "having a child". I don't agree with this. Hoping all goes well with this pregnancy (in a few hours we'll know how we're doing at the half-way mark) we will have two children by mid-year. This will not make either of us any less infertile. From having seen women in Infertility support groups having children, the things that cause the most heartache don't go away simply because you have a child.

I firmly beleive that the only happy ending in infertility is when you find peace with the situation you are in. For us this happened about two years ago. We both felt ok with not having kids, and were quite happy with how our lives were panning out. It is very hard to explain this feeling. The acceptance of the situation gave and still gives us a sense of freedom which is worth soo much.

So now we're expecting. This has opened up yet another can of worms emotionally. Because of the troubles we've had getting to this place in our lives, I find it hard when I experience the feelings of doubt and uncertainty. Its like "You've wanted this for so long, what are you complaining about". John, our IVF specialist told us that aspecially for couples who have taken a while on their journey towards parenthood, it is not uncommon to not 'bond' with the child/children until after birth. I dont think I'm quite like that. It just seems incredibly surreal most of the time.

Anyways, enough yabbering... I'll continue this another time.

Pregnancy.... ok so what about it?

Pregnancy, it is weird. I guess that is the best description I can come up with for now. I know there are all these stories on how wonderful it is and great you feel etc. I think those stories were developed purely to not scare other women off.

I find it weird. I'm still me, yet in the minds of so many I seem to be reduced to some kind of incubator. I'm not going to name names inhere, (and those who've heard me bitch know what I'm talking about) but there are elements in our lives that seem to think they can start making decisions about all manner of things pertaining to these babies. I.Think.Not. I'm still me, I'm still the same 'ol Agnes who does have an oppinion on things and who is quite capable of taking care of things herself and has been for quite some time.

I've been warned by fellow pregnoids that the larger my tummy gets (and its not very large at all at the moment, actually I'm barely showing at all) I will get strangers come up to me and touch it. I've decided that anyone whom I don't want touching me, who uninvitedly goes for my tummy can expect to have their boobs groped. I'll report back on the reactions I get when that happens.

Ok, I'll answer a few of the more common questions I've been getting:

Do you know what you are having?
Yep- last check two babies. Confirmed by several ultrasounds.

What would you like to have?
Again, two babies. I'd be terribly dissapointed if they turned out to be puppies. Besides that, I'd love to have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket and all the stuff others want. What I find odd is that people seem to think having a boy and a girl is somehow better than two boys or two girls. I truly don't care, as long as they are healthy and even if they are not, we will still love them.

How are the twins?
Both sets are fine thanks :) (No I'm not having quads, but for years people have referred to my chest as "the twins" aswell because I"m reasonably well endowed)

Oh you're not showing much. Are you sure everything is ok?
[sarcasm]Hmm, I think you should go and work in pre-natal care. You seem to be able to make all sorts of diagnosis based on visual observation, without any medical training. It would be soo much cheaper.[/sarcasm]
My usual answer is "my doc is happy" so I'm not complaining.

Are you sure there is two inthere?
Yes there is, I have the ultrasounds to prove it. So I'm not showing much yet. I'm not even half-way through my pregnancy... give it time.

End of question time for now. But really, you know, Pregnancy after Infertility is nerve wrecking enough as it is. I have no use for any of the negative comments/helpful suggestions.

Oh, and before I forget:
We were going to share gender information if we find out. Attitudes of several people around us have lead me to reconsider this. We might find out tomorrow...... but that'll be it. The rest can wait until they are born.

A few things before I go and have breakfast:

• I'm not the only one who is expecting... so is Duane
• No Pink For Girls Aspecially no soft pinks *shudders*
• We Don't Do Stereotypes. So if 'anyone' feels the need to buy baby boys a footy... don't hold back if we are having one or more girls

I'm sure there will be more.

Lastly:
As I said, pregnancy after infertility is nervewrecking in many many ways. Tomorrow we have our 19 week scan when we find out if the bubs are developing ok. You know, its scary stuff. I'm not showing much, not feeling much movement at all. I've been worried for weeks if everything is going ok. The comments of (some) people are Not Helping. There is only so much self-reassurance one can do before it starts to get weird.

I'll keep y'all posted

Agnes

My very first post

Well, I guess there is a first for everything. So here is my first post.
Yes I will post updates on the develoment of the twins, but really, this would be an extremely boring blog if that was all I talked about. There will be other things discussed, I'm not sure what yet, and I won't promise it won't be boring either. I'll try to pretty it up sometime in the next few weeks or so (when I feel like it). Let me know what you think :)

I might be inclined to share some of my photos. I haven't really gone out and taken any more for quite a while so maybe I should start that again. I guess I'll be mentioning things like our house, activities, and just anything that tickles my fancy.

For the dutch public reading this: I am intending to have both a dutch and an english version of this blog, once I work out how to have two blogs on the same page.....

Take care and cya
Agnes