23 March 2010

30 weeks and counting

30 weeks today. 10 weeks to go. Hows things been so far? Good I guess, nothing wrong with baby as far as we know. This pregnancy has been a lot harder on me than the previous one. I've been feeling like crap most of the time since the middle of my second trimester. I've got sciatic nerve pain bilaterally. My hips are kept together by a big elastic band to allow me to walk. I've got gestational diabetes again (no big deal really since I started insulin again - MUCH easier). The "pregnancy hyperventilation" never went away. oh, lets not forget pregnancy insomnia.

I'll have another scan at 32 weeks because I've got the placenta in front and low. They'll determine if I'll be allowed to give birth vaginally based on the results of that scan. It should be ok. The placenta was clear of the cervical opening at 20 weeks, just right up against it. It needs to have moved a little more for comfort.

Emotionally I'm barely hanging inthere tho. There is no option, I HAVE to keep it together. I just wish I could be happy about the pregnancy and enjoy it. I don't. I'm angry about it in so many ways and it is really hard to explain why, even to myself.

I'm angry because of the years of heartache we went through trying to have kids. Having the girls is wonderful and now this. This Is Not Wonderful. Frankly, This Sucks. The attitude from others who are now behaving asif nothing that has gone before matters anymore because "You did it on your own now, so everything is ok". I'm sorry, it isn't. We lost 3 angels. 3 babies we could have loved and cared for. 3 babies I still grieve for every day. This pregnancy feels like a slap in the face in so many ways.

My age. I don't want to be "an older mother" but life and circumstance has denied me any other option. Falling pregnant unexpectedly at 37 when trying to keep up with two toddlers is a joke. an F'in joke.

I really dislike how others seem to 'know' what is right for our family. How judgemental etc people are about things. "Just do XYZ". Well, maybe there is a reason why we are not doing that.

The timing. There are great things happening at work. Changes, exciting stuff. I want to be a part of this, I don't want to go on maternity leave. Unfortuantely I don't have an option as I don't think crossing my legs will do the trick.....

Oh, and while I'm at it: Everyone seems to think that it would be such a great thing for us to have a little boy because we already have two girls. I have news: We.Don't.Care. In fact, it would be so much easier to have another girl: We have plenty of clothes for that model

Which is probably why we're having problems deciding on names. With the girls we had that sorted out well before we even made it to 12 weeks. It was so important to me at the time for them to have a name, have an identity before they were potentially lost to us (which didn't happen). Yet with this one, we don't seem to like any of the names we see, boy or girl names....

The list goes on and on...

With the girls Things have been so much better since Caitlin got her toncils removed in December. They have been much healthier and happier as a result. They are now 21 months old (3 months until their 2nd birthday). Last friday we started them sleeping in toddler beds. We have to get that done well in time for the birth as one of their beds will move to the nursery and I had to get them into todller beds to be able to do that (They slept in convertible cots, so we bought 1 toddler bed of similar dimensions - only one size bedding). The first night was a bit of a challenge, but they have gone to bed without problems at night since. I'm so proud of them .
They are totally adorable. They are starting to talk simple words etc. Well, not entirely true. Caitlin has one word sentences which are clearly enunciated.
Emma speaks with full sentence structures, including punctuation. We just haven't figured out what language yet. She also seems to do something weird.

Picture of a dog in a book
me: "That is a dog"
Caitlin: "Dog" (or "puppy")
Emma "God"

she does that to a number of words. She seems to start at the last sound she hears and then work backwards resulting into her pronouncing words backwards. I'm totally not certain what to make of that. She does eventually get it right, but really it is so weird. I'm not concerned about it, kids learn things in different ways but really - this is one I did not expect

People ask me what the girls think of mama having a baby in her tummy. I don't think they care too much either way. It is far more interesting to them now that I'm in my 3rd trimester and my innie has become an outie...

I don't think potty training is too far into our future - wee and poo are favorite terms in our household. They are fascinated by the toilet. Caitlin wants to wash her hands every time she sees a sink and will throw a full-blown tantrum when she is not allowed to do so. Actually - she is getting really good at this tantrum thing. She'll bang her head against the wall if she doesnt' get her way and scream. I just tell her to calm down and come mama for a cuddle when she gets it out of her system and I walk away.

There is more, but not that important, and really neither is any of this.