13 May 2010

Lucas is nearly 4 months now - Update long overdue

Birth story

So, because of my gestational diabetes and a few other factors (my hips were giving out on me in a Big Way) Lucas' birth was induced. The induction was started at 6:30 am, and by 3 pm I was about 2 cm dialated and Lucas' heartbeat was starting to slow every contraction. The midwife was certain it would take us to well after midnight and the discussion started to revolve around whether Lucas would become more distressed in that time. We then made the call that it would be better to get a not-so-emergency-emergency-c-section rather than pushing through and have a high probability of ending up with an "baby-has-to-be-born-in-2-minutes"-emergency c-section. By this time it was about 5pm.

We were supposed to be the next ones to go to theatre, and were expected to be in by 6pm. At about 7:15 I was taken to theatre, and at about 8pm Lucas was born. He was doing great from the first minute :) The first thing Duane said to me: "He has hair hun!, He has a full head of hair". As they were checking him out, Duane wouldn't leave my side. I told him to go to his son. Then the midwife brought Lucas out to me and I got to hold him. The idea was that I was to keep him in my arms until I was wheeled to recovery where I could start feeding him.

Ofcourse - as everyone who knows me knows - nothing is that simple: About 2 or 3 minutes after they gave me Lucas I said "That hurts!". (this was not a little hurt either). Oh no, people said, it is just some pulling you are feeling, which feels a bit weird, it is not actual pain. I'm like "this sure as hec is pain! and its worse than the contractions - oh and I can move my legs". Which I then proved by lifting one leg up off the operating table. The anestesist said "You can too, shit, you shouldn't do that". My response "Ok" and I put my leg back down. I asked the midwife to take Lucas as I was affraid I'd drop him when the pain got real bad. She took him and Duane to the recovery room, They put something else in my drip and I got a mask with oxygen. Then getting through the rest of my c-section is a bit of a blur. I remember the pain, vaguely. I know I was really out of it and boy it hurted.
What ended up happening - My spinal had stopped working halfway through the procedure. Not Pleasant at all.

Once I was closed up they wheeled me to the recovery room high on as many pain meds as the anestesist was happy to give me. They I got Lucas back, Duane was there ofcourse holding his son with the silliest grin on his face. I vaguely remember him being on the phone at the time. Tried to put Lucas on the breast - big hit for my little fella, He had a good 20 minute suckle.

Due to the meds I was given I was under close observation for the next 6 hours. Sent Duane home to get some sleep and I got to spend a magical first night with Lucas. It is amazing how great that is. I loved every minute of it. So different from the birth of the girls where I could see them for about a minute and then had to go straight to the ward and be on my own for the better part of 24 hours...

We were sent home on Friday. I was back in hospital on Saturday with a wound infection... When Lucas was 5 weeks he was admitted with bronchialitis and we're still battling upper respiratory problems for him but otherwise he is doing GREAT.

I'll update more in a later post :)

23 March 2010

30 weeks and counting

30 weeks today. 10 weeks to go. Hows things been so far? Good I guess, nothing wrong with baby as far as we know. This pregnancy has been a lot harder on me than the previous one. I've been feeling like crap most of the time since the middle of my second trimester. I've got sciatic nerve pain bilaterally. My hips are kept together by a big elastic band to allow me to walk. I've got gestational diabetes again (no big deal really since I started insulin again - MUCH easier). The "pregnancy hyperventilation" never went away. oh, lets not forget pregnancy insomnia.

I'll have another scan at 32 weeks because I've got the placenta in front and low. They'll determine if I'll be allowed to give birth vaginally based on the results of that scan. It should be ok. The placenta was clear of the cervical opening at 20 weeks, just right up against it. It needs to have moved a little more for comfort.

Emotionally I'm barely hanging inthere tho. There is no option, I HAVE to keep it together. I just wish I could be happy about the pregnancy and enjoy it. I don't. I'm angry about it in so many ways and it is really hard to explain why, even to myself.

I'm angry because of the years of heartache we went through trying to have kids. Having the girls is wonderful and now this. This Is Not Wonderful. Frankly, This Sucks. The attitude from others who are now behaving asif nothing that has gone before matters anymore because "You did it on your own now, so everything is ok". I'm sorry, it isn't. We lost 3 angels. 3 babies we could have loved and cared for. 3 babies I still grieve for every day. This pregnancy feels like a slap in the face in so many ways.

My age. I don't want to be "an older mother" but life and circumstance has denied me any other option. Falling pregnant unexpectedly at 37 when trying to keep up with two toddlers is a joke. an F'in joke.

I really dislike how others seem to 'know' what is right for our family. How judgemental etc people are about things. "Just do XYZ". Well, maybe there is a reason why we are not doing that.

The timing. There are great things happening at work. Changes, exciting stuff. I want to be a part of this, I don't want to go on maternity leave. Unfortuantely I don't have an option as I don't think crossing my legs will do the trick.....

Oh, and while I'm at it: Everyone seems to think that it would be such a great thing for us to have a little boy because we already have two girls. I have news: We.Don't.Care. In fact, it would be so much easier to have another girl: We have plenty of clothes for that model

Which is probably why we're having problems deciding on names. With the girls we had that sorted out well before we even made it to 12 weeks. It was so important to me at the time for them to have a name, have an identity before they were potentially lost to us (which didn't happen). Yet with this one, we don't seem to like any of the names we see, boy or girl names....

The list goes on and on...

With the girls Things have been so much better since Caitlin got her toncils removed in December. They have been much healthier and happier as a result. They are now 21 months old (3 months until their 2nd birthday). Last friday we started them sleeping in toddler beds. We have to get that done well in time for the birth as one of their beds will move to the nursery and I had to get them into todller beds to be able to do that (They slept in convertible cots, so we bought 1 toddler bed of similar dimensions - only one size bedding). The first night was a bit of a challenge, but they have gone to bed without problems at night since. I'm so proud of them .
They are totally adorable. They are starting to talk simple words etc. Well, not entirely true. Caitlin has one word sentences which are clearly enunciated.
Emma speaks with full sentence structures, including punctuation. We just haven't figured out what language yet. She also seems to do something weird.

Picture of a dog in a book
me: "That is a dog"
Caitlin: "Dog" (or "puppy")
Emma "God"

she does that to a number of words. She seems to start at the last sound she hears and then work backwards resulting into her pronouncing words backwards. I'm totally not certain what to make of that. She does eventually get it right, but really it is so weird. I'm not concerned about it, kids learn things in different ways but really - this is one I did not expect

People ask me what the girls think of mama having a baby in her tummy. I don't think they care too much either way. It is far more interesting to them now that I'm in my 3rd trimester and my innie has become an outie...

I don't think potty training is too far into our future - wee and poo are favorite terms in our household. They are fascinated by the toilet. Caitlin wants to wash her hands every time she sees a sink and will throw a full-blown tantrum when she is not allowed to do so. Actually - she is getting really good at this tantrum thing. She'll bang her head against the wall if she doesnt' get her way and scream. I just tell her to calm down and come mama for a cuddle when she gets it out of her system and I walk away.

There is more, but not that important, and really neither is any of this.

30 November 2009

Reviewing my options

Well, it has been a long time since I've written. Why? well, I thought: I don't really have anything good to report so I might be better off not writing anything at all.

In my previous post I mentioned loosing a pregnancy at 8 wks gestation around easter this year. That was only one of the things that have been hard on me this year.

All-in-all being a working mum is sucks in so many ways. In a lot of ways it gives you back your sense of self, but on so many other levels you feel like you are under performing. You know you could be a better mother - if you only had the time, and you know you could do better at work, if you only had the time. Understanding from collegues is often lacking. one of mine told me that as a mother I'm simply no longer a reliable employee. Guilt is pretty much pushed on you wherever you go.

So, with everything that happened, since the miscarriage i've been on the edge of being depressed. often I feel like it is getting better, and then I slide backwards a bit again. I am not all-out depressed, I just seem to be in a constant state of crisis management. Trying to manage everyones expectations and my own is the hardest I guess. People say: "look after yourself first before you look after others". This is an impossibility. I'll give you an example: What I need most of all is peace in my head and time with my husband and my girls to earth myself again. Yet, every Friday Duanes parents are spending time at our place because they want to spend time with their grand children. I appreciate this inmensely and don't want them not to have the time with the kids, but it does mean that I loose a day in which I could attend activities with the multiple birth association, take the girls somewhere just because I want to, or simply do my own thing. Its a double-edged sword.

So I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday often the girls from my mothers group catch up, Friday Les and Ruth are there, Saturday and Sunday Duane is home and those days are often busy as anything as well.

Up until a few weeks ago I enjoyed work. I don't anymore, well, not really. Something serious happened where I was put in the middle of a difficult situation. I made the correct decision ethically and morally but it cost me on an emotional level bigtime. I can't talk about the details as this is confidential, but it was a very difficult situation and the stress of this is still affecting me.

With that, I am pregnant again, currently 14 weeks. Due at the end of May. First trimester was difficult with me feeling rather sick most of the time. Getting ready for this child is weird. I'm still not sure if I'm even happy about the pregnancy.

So, I've done my sums, looked for information etc and it works out that if I go back to work after this little one is born I'd be working for exactly $150 per week. $50 a day. Is that worth the stress, the exhaustion, the guilt etc? I'm honestly not sure anymore. Financially we need that $150 so I don't think staying home is an option. I'd be looking at different ways to make the money tho, and see how we go.

So, if you see me, and I'm not my bubbly self... you know why: I'm spread too thin, trying desparately to keep everything together, I'm pregnant and exhausted. so I appologise for being short and grumpy and I'm sure it will get better in time.

Take care, and treasure what you have. You never know when it changes beyond recognition.

26 May 2009

11 months old

So, the girls are getting close to their first birthday. The last two months have been eventful. For a little while there we were expecing child number 3 (miscarried at 8 wks gestation). Emma ended up in hospital with a bladder infection, Both girls have had gastro and now Caitlin has toncilitis and Emma has a rash which might or might not be contageous. The doctor seems to be more concerned about Caitlin yet everything in me is worried more about Emma. Not sure what to do about that one yet. So - how do we cope? We don't to be honest, you just keep on going. Not very many options really.

Developmentally the girls have grown heaps: They now crawl really well. They stand up and walk holding on to furniture. Emma is able to walk holding one hand for support. It has to be her left hand tho, she can't do it if we hold her right hand. She is also getting better at 'free' standing.

It is nearly 4:30 am and I've been awake for a while. Hopefully I get to upload some photos and videos of the girls before everyone wakes up. Today will be another of those "just keep going" days I'm sure.

27 March 2009

March report

So it is now the end of March. March has not been that great a month in some cases, it has been wonderful in others.

Both Caitlin and Emma now crawl. Emma at full speed, Caitlin still a bit slower but they go places together now and its great. I can sit on the ground and ask them to come to me. They do :) They love climbing all over me. Both girls are really good at standing up too. I'm sure they'll be walking before too long.

Been back at work for nearly two months now. The girls don't seem to mind daycare all that much. They love to play and are definately thriving with the challenges they get. The other day Emma got bitten because she wanted to play with someone elses security blanket. She will have to learn these things *grins*

There are a total of 4 teeth between the two girls, two bottom teeth. Their vocab has changed, they have a myriad of sounds now which is really rather cute.
So it is now the end of March. March has not been that great a month in some cases, it has been wonderful in others.

Both Caitlin and Emma now crawl. Emma at full speed, Caitlin still a bit slower but they go places together now and its great. I can sit on the ground and ask them to come to me. They do :) They love climbing all over me. Both girls are really good at standing up too. I'm sure they'll be walking before too long.

Been back at work for nearly two months now. The girls don't seem to mind daycare all that much. They love to play and are definately thriving with the challenges they get. The other day Emma got bitten because she wanted to play with someone elses security blanket. She will have to learn these things *grins*

There are a total of 4 teeth between the two girls, two bottom teeth. Their vocab has changed, they have a myriad of sounds now which is really rather cute.

Caitlin got sick with a throat infection last week of February, Emma got toncilitis first week of March, Caitlin got a cold second week of march, Emma got a cold third week of march, Caitlin got an ear-infection last monday and today Emma started to develop spots which might or might not be chicken pox. Emma is not sleeping well, having a bad cough and waking herself up regulary. This has gone on for weeks and Duane and I are getting a bit frayed around the edges. I guess this is where having Twins is harder than having a singleton. Atleast then you get the week of "downtime" between illnesses.

09 January 2009

Twin Mothers Guilt

Lots and lots has happened since my last post. To give a report here would mean this post would be WAY too long so I'm not going to. Lets just say that the end of 2008 could have gone somewhat smoother.

At the moment we have my parents staying with us. They have been here since mid december. unfortunately they are leaving again in just over a weeks time. Next week Tuesday I have to take caitlin for an EEG as she had a fit early december. She has had a few minor ones since, but nothing major.

One of the things I didn't expect was how often I feel guilty. We have two babygirls who equally deserve my full and undivided attention. I can't. The amount of times I have to let one cry because I simply only have one set of arms.... I hate it. It is like I'm selling them short. I know people say that I'm not, and I know they are right but emotionally I feel like I should be doing a way better job than I have been.

Now, the worst thing so far was that I have to go back to work soon. Slightly sooner than expected as my replacement at work has resigned.

[I've published this unfinished post and will contintue in the next one...]

09 December 2008

the good, the bad and the ugly

I am so ready for a few weeks of no drama. Its been one thing after another lately. So, just over two weeks ago on friday I woke to an email from Timo telling me my oma (his mum) was not doing well and that the doctors had said it was only a matter of hours.
So here I am trying to work out how to get passports organised, can I fly with two babies... what is involved etc. We decide that really I won't make it intime anyway and it is just too much to fly over with the girls for the funeral.
5 minutes after finishing the phonecall in which we made this decision I get a call from a childcare centre: I have 4 days childcare for both girls starting the end of January. (thats the good news)
The following Sunday Timo calls to let me know Oma has passed away and he will be leaving for Sittard the next day to organise everything and will be uncontactable for a bit. This I understand.

I spend most of the week at home. I had a lovely week with the girls. They have started rolling. Caitlin can roll from back to front via both left and right side, and back to her back via both sides. Emma can go from back to front via both sides, but hasn't quite figured out how to get back onto her back yet. On Thursday day I went to mothersgroup which was very nice. I came home about an hour before the 4pm feed.
Oh, thats something else. The girls feeding patterns have changed quite dramatically from when they were first born (as you'd expect). They now sleep normally from 7:30-ish until 5am - 6:30 am). They have a feed between 6 -7 am, then 9:30-10:00 am, then 1:00 pm, then 4pm then 7:00 - 7:15pm ish after which they go back to bed. They also started solids about 3-4 weeks ago.
Back to the story:
The 4pm feed went ok, until half way through Caitlin started to shake all over. Scary to see. This went on for about 2-3 minutes I think. It seemed like forever and I didn't have a clock to really time it. Called the GP after it happened, and then on their advise called 000. We went to the Mater Childrens emergency by ambulance where she was checked out and she is ok now. We need to have an EEG to determine if she might have child epilepsy and we're waiting to find out when that will be.