Well, it has been a long time since I've written. Why? well, I thought: I don't really have anything good to report so I might be better off not writing anything at all.
In my previous post I mentioned loosing a pregnancy at 8 wks gestation around easter this year. That was only one of the things that have been hard on me this year.
All-in-all being a working mum is sucks in so many ways. In a lot of ways it gives you back your sense of self, but on so many other levels you feel like you are under performing. You know you could be a better mother - if you only had the time, and you know you could do better at work, if you only had the time. Understanding from collegues is often lacking. one of mine told me that as a mother I'm simply no longer a reliable employee. Guilt is pretty much pushed on you wherever you go.
So, with everything that happened, since the miscarriage i've been on the edge of being depressed. often I feel like it is getting better, and then I slide backwards a bit again. I am not all-out depressed, I just seem to be in a constant state of crisis management. Trying to manage everyones expectations and my own is the hardest I guess. People say: "look after yourself first before you look after others". This is an impossibility. I'll give you an example: What I need most of all is peace in my head and time with my husband and my girls to earth myself again. Yet, every Friday Duanes parents are spending time at our place because they want to spend time with their grand children. I appreciate this inmensely and don't want them not to have the time with the kids, but it does mean that I loose a day in which I could attend activities with the multiple birth association, take the girls somewhere just because I want to, or simply do my own thing. Its a double-edged sword.
So I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday often the girls from my mothers group catch up, Friday Les and Ruth are there, Saturday and Sunday Duane is home and those days are often busy as anything as well.
Up until a few weeks ago I enjoyed work. I don't anymore, well, not really. Something serious happened where I was put in the middle of a difficult situation. I made the correct decision ethically and morally but it cost me on an emotional level bigtime. I can't talk about the details as this is confidential, but it was a very difficult situation and the stress of this is still affecting me.
With that, I am pregnant again, currently 14 weeks. Due at the end of May. First trimester was difficult with me feeling rather sick most of the time. Getting ready for this child is weird. I'm still not sure if I'm even happy about the pregnancy.
So, I've done my sums, looked for information etc and it works out that if I go back to work after this little one is born I'd be working for exactly $150 per week. $50 a day. Is that worth the stress, the exhaustion, the guilt etc? I'm honestly not sure anymore. Financially we need that $150 so I don't think staying home is an option. I'd be looking at different ways to make the money tho, and see how we go.
So, if you see me, and I'm not my bubbly self... you know why: I'm spread too thin, trying desparately to keep everything together, I'm pregnant and exhausted. so I appologise for being short and grumpy and I'm sure it will get better in time.
Take care, and treasure what you have. You never know when it changes beyond recognition.
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