Well, Duane and I had a lovely easter mostly. We spent most of our time painting the nursery, laundry, toilet and bathroom. Cream looks so much better than mint-green :)
Yesterday we met up with friends for lunch at Indooroopilly. Did some shopping beforehand. Do you know that feeling where you go in to buy a $25 kitchen gadget, and walk out of a shop spending more than 10 times that and feel like you've been given a great deal? That happened to us. One of the stores had a 20% discount, which brought this whizz-bang foodprocessor I've been looking at for atleast two years within budget :).
This morning a check-up with my Obstetrician. The new one... the old one broke his pelvis. I have a ton of questions and he better answer all of them......
I'll keep you updated.
25 March 2008
23 March 2008
The privacy of pregnancy
Today is a weird day. Its not been an extremely joyous day, I've been grumpy, annoyed with myself, sad... lots of bad emotions. That was kinda triggered by this barbeque we went to yesterday. I'll try and explain.
We were invited via Duanes parents to attend a bbq at a cousins place. We like the family, and don't mind attending the occasional social gathering so we went. We were looking forward to it. Mind you, we don't have all that much in common with Duanes cousins. Not that that is a bad thing, just we have different interests I guess. Everyone knows how much trouble we've had falling pregnant, and ofcourse anyone who is expecting twins ispublic property . Its an easy topic of discussion. This is where it gets weird, and probably what took me all day to figure out. I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy. I was happy to discuss anything else. I just didn't feel comfortable sharing anything about it at that point in time. I heard Ruth say something about breast & bottle feeding to someone and that made me feel rather awkward. I totally didn't get my reaction, and have been sooo annoyed by it (my reaction). Ofcourse she is excited, she is becoming a grandmother, and ofcourse she wants to share.... and I'm more than fine with that. better that than the opposite, really. Mind you, this is not the first time I've clammed up about it in public. There have been other social gatherings where I was just totally stand off-ish about the whole thing. The line "I don't wish to discuss this at this point in time" has been used by myself on more than one occasion. (I didn't yesterday and didn't have to at all. There were some references, which were fine but no one really raised the topic at all so I have no real idea why I felt so uncomfortable)
Anyway, fast forward to this evening. I think I've figured it out.... kinda....
This pregnancy is on my mind a lot. Hec, since these two have started moving around its been hard not to think about it honestly. I love talking about it to those whom I feel close to. It is something so intrinsicly personal I am uncomfortable talking about it to people I don't know and/or trust. When it comes to unfamiliar people, I clam up, I get all protective and 'assertive'.
Most people fall pregnant in the privacy of their own bedroom. There are two people involved. For us there is not much privacy involved with the whole falling pregnant thing. Hec, I often jokingly say that for us it is a team effort.
I guess that after all the 'public' prodding and poking I have a far greater need to be selective about what I share with whom. I've never been an overly private person as my friends and family can attest to *grins*. I guess this pregnancy brings out a slightly different side in me.
And again, I fly in the face of tradition. A pregnant woman is after-all public property, and a pregnancy should be discussed in all gory detail etc right? Not my thing I guess.
Same thing with people telling me I can't 'do' something just because I'm pregnant. Thats not a reason. I know my body, I know my limits better than ANYONE. And I truly wish that people would get it into their thick skulls that I still have a fully functional brain and that neither myself nor Duane will do anything to put these babies at risk. However, that does not turn me into some kind of couch potato, I still have a life to lead and damn if I don't. There is more to life than being pregnant, and its not all there is to it at the moment, eventhough it does take up a large part of it.
We were invited via Duanes parents to attend a bbq at a cousins place. We like the family, and don't mind attending the occasional social gathering so we went. We were looking forward to it. Mind you, we don't have all that much in common with Duanes cousins. Not that that is a bad thing, just we have different interests I guess. Everyone knows how much trouble we've had falling pregnant, and ofcourse anyone who is expecting twins is
Anyway, fast forward to this evening. I think I've figured it out.... kinda....
This pregnancy is on my mind a lot. Hec, since these two have started moving around its been hard not to think about it honestly. I love talking about it to those whom I feel close to. It is something so intrinsicly personal I am uncomfortable talking about it to people I don't know and/or trust. When it comes to unfamiliar people, I clam up, I get all protective and 'assertive'.
Most people fall pregnant in the privacy of their own bedroom. There are two people involved. For us there is not much privacy involved with the whole falling pregnant thing. Hec, I often jokingly say that for us it is a team effort.
I guess that after all the 'public' prodding and poking I have a far greater need to be selective about what I share with whom. I've never been an overly private person as my friends and family can attest to *grins*. I guess this pregnancy brings out a slightly different side in me.
And again, I fly in the face of tradition. A pregnant woman is after-all public property, and a pregnancy should be discussed in all gory detail etc right? Not my thing I guess.
Same thing with people telling me I can't 'do' something just because I'm pregnant. Thats not a reason. I know my body, I know my limits better than ANYONE. And I truly wish that people would get it into their thick skulls that I still have a fully functional brain and that neither myself nor Duane will do anything to put these babies at risk. However, that does not turn me into some kind of couch potato, I still have a life to lead and damn if I don't. There is more to life than being pregnant, and its not all there is to it at the moment, eventhough it does take up a large part of it.
10 March 2008
Feeling special
Geez I've been slack. I haven't updated the blog for quite a while. For those of you whom read Duanes blog, you already know about the minor dramas from last week. I don't feel like talking about those so if you want to know, check it there :).
Pregnancy wise whats happened since my last post. I'm 22 weeks pregnant this week. Last week I started feeling clear movements, and I have to say that is great. Finally past this stage where you just have to 'trust' that everything is going ok. I still firmly beleive that the inability to have a peep-hole where you can just check all is going well is a purposeful design 'feature' with the sole aim to stress out expectant mums-to-be. Movement means life means more-or-less ok-ish. Its the "hey you are now past most of the risk-stages, so we can now start giving you more reasurance" feature of pregnancy. Numbers: I've put on about 5 kgs so far, so thats just under about a kg a month. Doctors are happy and thats all that counts. I'm still not showing overly much, but atleast there is some tummy-action now :). But enough waffling about this.
I've been making sure I 'rub' vitamine E cream on my belly nearly every evening since someone mentioned this option to me. Not that I'm worried about stretch-marks, I don't really care honestly, They kinda are a type of 'battle scar' to wear with pride *grins*. I just remember really well that after my last laperoscopy I had stretchmarks which were awfully bruised and actually quite sore. I wanted to try to prevent some of that (the discomfort).
Anyways, tonight I decided it was time to go to bed earlyish and did my 'normal' rub stuff in my belly skin' thing (I forget it often...). As I was rubbing this stuff in, I felt both babies kinda "roll" under my hands. One on the left size of my tummy, the other on my right side. So I called Duane into the bedroom and had him repeat the motion and he could feel both his babies move against his hand. He has felt some tiny kicks before, but this was the first real clear movement he has felt. It was such a special moment, very difficult to describe. The look on his face was so lovely and beautiful, I don't think I've ever loved him more. He is going to make such an amazing daddy. It must be weird for the daddies, atleast as mummy-to-be you get some warning on whats going on, body changes etc..... daddies know its happening because they are told, but I don't know when it becomes "real".
Both of us started this pregnancy not being extremely happy about it, more scared than anything, not daring to hope that this would actually happen. Now I guess we're both at the point where we're both starting to feel comfortable with the 'being happy' about expecting, in our case, two babies. It still seems extremely surreal most of the time tho......
Pregnancy wise whats happened since my last post. I'm 22 weeks pregnant this week. Last week I started feeling clear movements, and I have to say that is great. Finally past this stage where you just have to 'trust' that everything is going ok. I still firmly beleive that the inability to have a peep-hole where you can just check all is going well is a purposeful design 'feature' with the sole aim to stress out expectant mums-to-be. Movement means life means more-or-less ok-ish. Its the "hey you are now past most of the risk-stages, so we can now start giving you more reasurance" feature of pregnancy. Numbers: I've put on about 5 kgs so far, so thats just under about a kg a month. Doctors are happy and thats all that counts. I'm still not showing overly much, but atleast there is some tummy-action now :). But enough waffling about this.
I've been making sure I 'rub' vitamine E cream on my belly nearly every evening since someone mentioned this option to me. Not that I'm worried about stretch-marks, I don't really care honestly, They kinda are a type of 'battle scar' to wear with pride *grins*. I just remember really well that after my last laperoscopy I had stretchmarks which were awfully bruised and actually quite sore. I wanted to try to prevent some of that (the discomfort).
Anyways, tonight I decided it was time to go to bed earlyish and did my 'normal' rub stuff in my belly skin' thing (I forget it often...). As I was rubbing this stuff in, I felt both babies kinda "roll" under my hands. One on the left size of my tummy, the other on my right side. So I called Duane into the bedroom and had him repeat the motion and he could feel both his babies move against his hand. He has felt some tiny kicks before, but this was the first real clear movement he has felt. It was such a special moment, very difficult to describe. The look on his face was so lovely and beautiful, I don't think I've ever loved him more. He is going to make such an amazing daddy. It must be weird for the daddies, atleast as mummy-to-be you get some warning on whats going on, body changes etc..... daddies know its happening because they are told, but I don't know when it becomes "real".
Both of us started this pregnancy not being extremely happy about it, more scared than anything, not daring to hope that this would actually happen. Now I guess we're both at the point where we're both starting to feel comfortable with the 'being happy' about expecting, in our case, two babies. It still seems extremely surreal most of the time tho......
19 February 2008
19 wk Scan today
Ok I'm rather excited about what happened today :) We had our 19 week scan. I've been a bit neurotic about this whole thing and this put my mind at ease for atleast a few days (I hope). So I thought I'd share some photos. I haven't tried to do this before so it might fail miserably....
Baby 2: Side-on face
Baby 2: 3d image: hand in front of face
Baby 1: back& bottom view
Baby 1: a 3d shot of the face.
Baby 2: Side-on face
Baby 2: 3d image: hand in front of face
Baby 1: back& bottom view
Baby 1: a 3d shot of the face.
If this was a singleton pregnancy this would normally be the last scan, but because , according to the sonographer/doctor, "obstetricians go anal over twins", we have another scan in about 9 weeks to check how they are growing.
I have a normal check-up in about a week.
Infertility and happy endings
Most people in our lives know Duane and I have problems with falling pregnant without help. I have Endometriosis and Duane doesn't really produce very active sperm. So, as I often say jokingly, between the two of us we're excelent birthcontrol.
How does infertility affect ones life? That is a really hard and very personal question to answer. I honestly have to say that I don't know how it really affects Duane. I think the most difficult thing is the coming to terms with the fact that your life is different from what you envisioned it to be in a way that makes you doubt your self-worth, your view on life and reality.
When you first decide with your partner to start 'trying' for a family, it makes sex just a little more exciting and fun. When 'nothing' happens the first few months you shrug away worry and keep 'practising'. Then after a while you start to think "maybe our timing is off" and you try to figure out when ovulation is exactly and start more "scheduling" sex. After 1 to 2 years of trying you go to the doctor. At this point you start to worry, but are still trying to tell yourself that 'it might be something simple. The doctor then again tell you about timing, maybe do a sperm test and tell you about ovulation predictor kits (if you haven't worked that one out on your own). Then a referral to a gyneacologist. By this time you have created an imaginary finish-line in your mind, one you are reaching for with all your might, one which seems to come so easely to everyone else. You start to doubt your femininity, your right to be, your life, your dreams, your aspirations. It can be very debilitating. The need to attain this "goal" becomes all absorbing and I can't compare it to anything but being addicted trying to get a fix (not that I've ever been addicted but I'd imagine they would feel a drive just as difficult to ignore). People in our lives are happy for us now we're pregnant. They 'know' (read: have seen from the outside) what we've gone through. If you find this blog without knowing us: We've been pregnant twice before. The first pregnancy ended at 7.5 weeks. This was our little girl Sophie. The second pregnancy ended at 6 weeks. our little boy Adrian. After loosing Adrian Duane and I decided enough was enough. That was over 4 years ago.
So what constitutes a happy ending in relation to Infertility.
A lot of people will say "having a child". I don't agree with this. Hoping all goes well with this pregnancy (in a few hours we'll know how we're doing at the half-way mark) we will have two children by mid-year. This will not make either of us any less infertile. From having seen women in Infertility support groups having children, the things that cause the most heartache don't go away simply because you have a child.
I firmly beleive that the only happy ending in infertility is when you find peace with the situation you are in. For us this happened about two years ago. We both felt ok with not having kids, and were quite happy with how our lives were panning out. It is very hard to explain this feeling. The acceptance of the situation gave and still gives us a sense of freedom which is worth soo much.
So now we're expecting. This has opened up yet another can of worms emotionally. Because of the troubles we've had getting to this place in our lives, I find it hard when I experience the feelings of doubt and uncertainty. Its like "You've wanted this for so long, what are you complaining about". John, our IVF specialist told us that aspecially for couples who have taken a while on their journey towards parenthood, it is not uncommon to not 'bond' with the child/children until after birth. I dont think I'm quite like that. It just seems incredibly surreal most of the time.
Anyways, enough yabbering... I'll continue this another time.
How does infertility affect ones life? That is a really hard and very personal question to answer. I honestly have to say that I don't know how it really affects Duane. I think the most difficult thing is the coming to terms with the fact that your life is different from what you envisioned it to be in a way that makes you doubt your self-worth, your view on life and reality.
When you first decide with your partner to start 'trying' for a family, it makes sex just a little more exciting and fun. When 'nothing' happens the first few months you shrug away worry and keep 'practising'. Then after a while you start to think "maybe our timing is off" and you try to figure out when ovulation is exactly and start more "scheduling" sex. After 1 to 2 years of trying you go to the doctor. At this point you start to worry, but are still trying to tell yourself that 'it might be something simple. The doctor then again tell you about timing, maybe do a sperm test and tell you about ovulation predictor kits (if you haven't worked that one out on your own). Then a referral to a gyneacologist. By this time you have created an imaginary finish-line in your mind, one you are reaching for with all your might, one which seems to come so easely to everyone else. You start to doubt your femininity, your right to be, your life, your dreams, your aspirations. It can be very debilitating. The need to attain this "goal" becomes all absorbing and I can't compare it to anything but being addicted trying to get a fix (not that I've ever been addicted but I'd imagine they would feel a drive just as difficult to ignore). People in our lives are happy for us now we're pregnant. They 'know' (read: have seen from the outside) what we've gone through. If you find this blog without knowing us: We've been pregnant twice before. The first pregnancy ended at 7.5 weeks. This was our little girl Sophie. The second pregnancy ended at 6 weeks. our little boy Adrian. After loosing Adrian Duane and I decided enough was enough. That was over 4 years ago.
So what constitutes a happy ending in relation to Infertility.
A lot of people will say "having a child". I don't agree with this. Hoping all goes well with this pregnancy (in a few hours we'll know how we're doing at the half-way mark) we will have two children by mid-year. This will not make either of us any less infertile. From having seen women in Infertility support groups having children, the things that cause the most heartache don't go away simply because you have a child.
I firmly beleive that the only happy ending in infertility is when you find peace with the situation you are in. For us this happened about two years ago. We both felt ok with not having kids, and were quite happy with how our lives were panning out. It is very hard to explain this feeling. The acceptance of the situation gave and still gives us a sense of freedom which is worth soo much.
So now we're expecting. This has opened up yet another can of worms emotionally. Because of the troubles we've had getting to this place in our lives, I find it hard when I experience the feelings of doubt and uncertainty. Its like "You've wanted this for so long, what are you complaining about". John, our IVF specialist told us that aspecially for couples who have taken a while on their journey towards parenthood, it is not uncommon to not 'bond' with the child/children until after birth. I dont think I'm quite like that. It just seems incredibly surreal most of the time.
Anyways, enough yabbering... I'll continue this another time.
18 February 2008
Pregnancy.... ok so what about it?
Pregnancy, it is weird. I guess that is the best description I can come up with for now. I know there are all these stories on how wonderful it is and great you feel etc. I think those stories were developed purely to not scare other women off.
I find it weird. I'm still me, yet in the minds of so many I seem to be reduced to some kind of incubator. I'm not going to name names inhere, (and those who've heard me bitch know what I'm talking about) but there are elements in our lives that seem to think they can start making decisions about all manner of things pertaining to these babies. I.Think.Not. I'm still me, I'm still the same 'ol Agnes who does have an oppinion on things and who is quite capable of taking care of things herself and has been for quite some time.
I've been warned by fellow pregnoids that the larger my tummy gets (and its not very large at all at the moment, actually I'm barely showing at all) I will get strangers come up to me and touch it. I've decided that anyone whom I don't want touching me, who uninvitedly goes for my tummy can expect to have their boobs groped. I'll report back on the reactions I get when that happens.
Ok, I'll answer a few of the more common questions I've been getting:
Do you know what you are having?
Yep- last check two babies. Confirmed by several ultrasounds.
What would you like to have?
Again, two babies. I'd be terribly dissapointed if they turned out to be puppies. Besides that, I'd love to have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket and all the stuff others want. What I find odd is that people seem to think having a boy and a girl is somehow better than two boys or two girls. I truly don't care, as long as they are healthy and even if they are not, we will still love them.
How are the twins?
Both sets are fine thanks :) (No I'm not having quads, but for years people have referred to my chest as "the twins" aswell because I"m reasonably well endowed)
Oh you're not showing much. Are you sure everything is ok?
[sarcasm]Hmm, I think you should go and work in pre-natal care. You seem to be able to make all sorts of diagnosis based on visual observation, without any medical training. It would be soo much cheaper.[/sarcasm]
My usual answer is "my doc is happy" so I'm not complaining.
Are you sure there is two inthere?
Yes there is, I have the ultrasounds to prove it. So I'm not showing much yet. I'm not even half-way through my pregnancy... give it time.
End of question time for now. But really, you know, Pregnancy after Infertility is nerve wrecking enough as it is. I have no use for any of the negative comments/helpful suggestions.
Oh, and before I forget:
We were going to share gender information if we find out. Attitudes of several people around us have lead me to reconsider this. We might find out tomorrow...... but that'll be it. The rest can wait until they are born.
A few things before I go and have breakfast:
Lastly:
As I said, pregnancy after infertility is nervewrecking in many many ways. Tomorrow we have our 19 week scan when we find out if the bubs are developing ok. You know, its scary stuff. I'm not showing much, not feeling much movement at all. I've been worried for weeks if everything is going ok. The comments of (some) people are Not Helping. There is only so much self-reassurance one can do before it starts to get weird.
I'll keep y'all posted
Agnes
I find it weird. I'm still me, yet in the minds of so many I seem to be reduced to some kind of incubator. I'm not going to name names inhere, (and those who've heard me bitch know what I'm talking about) but there are elements in our lives that seem to think they can start making decisions about all manner of things pertaining to these babies. I.Think.Not. I'm still me, I'm still the same 'ol Agnes who does have an oppinion on things and who is quite capable of taking care of things herself and has been for quite some time.
I've been warned by fellow pregnoids that the larger my tummy gets (and its not very large at all at the moment, actually I'm barely showing at all) I will get strangers come up to me and touch it. I've decided that anyone whom I don't want touching me, who uninvitedly goes for my tummy can expect to have their boobs groped. I'll report back on the reactions I get when that happens.
Ok, I'll answer a few of the more common questions I've been getting:
Do you know what you are having?
Yep- last check two babies. Confirmed by several ultrasounds.
What would you like to have?
Again, two babies. I'd be terribly dissapointed if they turned out to be puppies. Besides that, I'd love to have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket and all the stuff others want. What I find odd is that people seem to think having a boy and a girl is somehow better than two boys or two girls. I truly don't care, as long as they are healthy and even if they are not, we will still love them.
How are the twins?
Both sets are fine thanks :) (No I'm not having quads, but for years people have referred to my chest as "the twins" aswell because I"m reasonably well endowed)
Oh you're not showing much. Are you sure everything is ok?
[sarcasm]Hmm, I think you should go and work in pre-natal care. You seem to be able to make all sorts of diagnosis based on visual observation, without any medical training. It would be soo much cheaper.[/sarcasm]
My usual answer is "my doc is happy" so I'm not complaining.
Are you sure there is two inthere?
Yes there is, I have the ultrasounds to prove it. So I'm not showing much yet. I'm not even half-way through my pregnancy... give it time.
End of question time for now. But really, you know, Pregnancy after Infertility is nerve wrecking enough as it is. I have no use for any of the negative comments/helpful suggestions.
Oh, and before I forget:
We were going to share gender information if we find out. Attitudes of several people around us have lead me to reconsider this. We might find out tomorrow...... but that'll be it. The rest can wait until they are born.
A few things before I go and have breakfast:
- I'm not the only one who is expecting... so is Duane
- No Pink For Girls Aspecially no soft pinks *shudders*
- We Don't Do Stereotypes. So if 'anyone' feels the need to buy baby boys a footy... don't hold back if we are having one or more girls
Lastly:
As I said, pregnancy after infertility is nervewrecking in many many ways. Tomorrow we have our 19 week scan when we find out if the bubs are developing ok. You know, its scary stuff. I'm not showing much, not feeling much movement at all. I've been worried for weeks if everything is going ok. The comments of (some) people are Not Helping. There is only so much self-reassurance one can do before it starts to get weird.
I'll keep y'all posted
Agnes
15 February 2008
My very first post
Well, I guess there is a first for everything. So here is my first post.
Yes I will post updates on the develoment of the twins, but really, this would be an extremely boring blog if that was all I talked about. There will be other things discussed, I'm not sure what yet, and I won't promise it won't be boring either. I'll try to pretty it up sometime in the next few weeks or so (when I feel like it). Let me know what you think :)
I might be inclined to share some of my photos. I haven't really gone out and taken any more for quite a while so maybe I should start that again. I guess I'll be mentioning things like our house, activities, and just anything that tickles my fancy.
For the dutch public reading this: I am intending to have both a dutch and an english version of this blog, once I work out how to have two blogs on the same page.....
Take care and cya
Agnes
Yes I will post updates on the develoment of the twins, but really, this would be an extremely boring blog if that was all I talked about. There will be other things discussed, I'm not sure what yet, and I won't promise it won't be boring either. I'll try to pretty it up sometime in the next few weeks or so (when I feel like it). Let me know what you think :)
I might be inclined to share some of my photos. I haven't really gone out and taken any more for quite a while so maybe I should start that again. I guess I'll be mentioning things like our house, activities, and just anything that tickles my fancy.
For the dutch public reading this: I am intending to have both a dutch and an english version of this blog, once I work out how to have two blogs on the same page.....
Take care and cya
Agnes
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