Infertility and happy endings

Most people in our lives know Duane and I have problems with falling pregnant without help. I have Endometriosis and Duane doesn't really produce very active sperm. So, as I often say jokingly, between the two of us we're excelent birthcontrol.


How does infertility affect ones life? That is a really hard and very personal question to answer. I honestly have to say that I don't know how it really affects Duane. I think the most difficult thing is the coming to terms with the fact that your life is different from what you envisioned it to be in a way that makes you doubt your self-worth, your view on life and reality.


When you first decide with your partner to start 'trying' for a family, it makes sex just a little more exciting and fun. When 'nothing' happens the first few months you shrug away worry and keep 'practising'. Then after a while you start to think "maybe our timing is off" and you try to figure out when ovulation is exactly and start more "scheduling" sex. After 1 to 2 years of trying you go to the doctor. At this point you start to worry, but are still trying to tell yourself that 'it might be something simple. The doctor then again tell you about timing, maybe do a sperm test and tell you about ovulation predictor kits (if you haven't worked that one out on your own). Then a referral to a gyneacologist. By this time you have created an imaginary finish-line in your mind, one you are reaching for with all your might, one which seems to come so easely to everyone else. You start to doubt your femininity, your right to be, your life, your dreams, your aspirations. It can be very debilitating. The need to attain this "goal" becomes all absorbing and I can't compare it to anything but being addicted trying to get a fix (not that I've ever been addicted but I'd imagine they would feel a drive just as difficult to ignore). People in our lives are happy for us now we're pregnant. They 'know' (read: have seen from the outside) what we've gone through. If you find this blog without knowing us: We've been pregnant twice before. The first pregnancy ended at 7.5 weeks. This was our little girl Sophie. The second pregnancy ended at 6 weeks. our little boy Adrian. After loosing Adrian Duane and I decided enough was enough. That was over 4 years ago.


So what constitutes a happy ending in relation to Infertility.

A lot of people will say "having a child". I don't agree with this. Hoping all goes well with this pregnancy (in a few hours we'll know how we're doing at the half-way mark) we will have two children by mid-year. This will not make either of us any less infertile. From having seen women in Infertility support groups having children, the things that cause the most heartache don't go away simply because you have a child.

I firmly beleive that the only happy ending in infertility is when you find peace with the situation you are in. For us this happened about two years ago. We both felt ok with not having kids, and were quite happy with how our lives were panning out. It is very hard to explain this feeling. The acceptance of the situation gave and still gives us a sense of freedom which is worth soo much.

So now we're expecting. This has opened up yet another can of worms emotionally. Because of the troubles we've had getting to this place in our lives, I find it hard when I experience the feelings of doubt and uncertainty. Its like "You've wanted this for so long, what are you complaining about". John, our IVF specialist told us that aspecially for couples who have taken a while on their journey towards parenthood, it is not uncommon to not 'bond' with the child/children until after birth. I dont think I'm quite like that. It just seems incredibly surreal most of the time.

Anyways, enough yabbering... I'll continue this another time.