Lots and lots has happened since my last post. To give a report here would mean this post would be WAY too long so I'm not going to. Lets just say that the end of 2008 could have gone somewhat smoother.
At the moment we have my parents staying with us. They have been here since mid december. unfortunately they are leaving again in just over a weeks time. Next week Tuesday I have to take caitlin for an EEG as she had a fit early december. She has had a few minor ones since, but nothing major.
Guilt.
One of the things I didn't expect was how often I feel guilty. We have two babygirls who equally deserve my full and undivided attention. I can't. The amount of times I have to let one cry because I simply only have one set of arms.... I hate it. It is like I'm selling them short. I know people say that I'm not, and I know they are right but emotionally I feel like I should be doing a way better job than I have been.
Now, the worst thing so far was that I have to go back to work soon. Slightly sooner than expected as my replacement at work has resigned.
[I've published this unfinished post and will contintue in the next one...]
09 January 2009
09 December 2008
the good, the bad and the ugly
I am so ready for a few weeks of no drama. Its been one thing after another lately. So, just over two weeks ago on friday I woke to an email from Timo telling me my oma (his mum) was not doing well and that the doctors had said it was only a matter of hours.
So here I am trying to work out how to get passports organised, can I fly with two babies... what is involved etc. We decide that really I won't make it intime anyway and it is just too much to fly over with the girls for the funeral.
5 minutes after finishing the phonecall in which we made this decision I get a call from a childcare centre: I have 4 days childcare for both girls starting the end of January. (thats the good news)
The following Sunday Timo calls to let me know Oma has passed away and he will be leaving for Sittard the next day to organise everything and will be uncontactable for a bit. This I understand.
I spend most of the week at home. I had a lovely week with the girls. They have started rolling. Caitlin can roll from back to front via both left and right side, and back to her back via both sides. Emma can go from back to front via both sides, but hasn't quite figured out how to get back onto her back yet. On Thursday day I went to mothersgroup which was very nice. I came home about an hour before the 4pm feed.
Oh, thats something else. The girls feeding patterns have changed quite dramatically from when they were first born (as you'd expect). They now sleep normally from 7:30-ish until 5am - 6:30 am). They have a feed between 6 -7 am, then 9:30-10:00 am, then 1:00 pm, then 4pm then 7:00 - 7:15pm ish after which they go back to bed. They also started solids about 3-4 weeks ago.
Back to the story:
The 4pm feed went ok, until half way through Caitlin started to shake all over. Scary to see. This went on for about 2-3 minutes I think. It seemed like forever and I didn't have a clock to really time it. Called the GP after it happened, and then on their advise called 000. We went to the Mater Childrens emergency by ambulance where she was checked out and she is ok now. We need to have an EEG to determine if she might have child epilepsy and we're waiting to find out when that will be.
So here I am trying to work out how to get passports organised, can I fly with two babies... what is involved etc. We decide that really I won't make it intime anyway and it is just too much to fly over with the girls for the funeral.
5 minutes after finishing the phonecall in which we made this decision I get a call from a childcare centre: I have 4 days childcare for both girls starting the end of January. (thats the good news)
The following Sunday Timo calls to let me know Oma has passed away and he will be leaving for Sittard the next day to organise everything and will be uncontactable for a bit. This I understand.
I spend most of the week at home. I had a lovely week with the girls. They have started rolling. Caitlin can roll from back to front via both left and right side, and back to her back via both sides. Emma can go from back to front via both sides, but hasn't quite figured out how to get back onto her back yet. On Thursday day I went to mothersgroup which was very nice. I came home about an hour before the 4pm feed.
Oh, thats something else. The girls feeding patterns have changed quite dramatically from when they were first born (as you'd expect). They now sleep normally from 7:30-ish until 5am - 6:30 am). They have a feed between 6 -7 am, then 9:30-10:00 am, then 1:00 pm, then 4pm then 7:00 - 7:15pm ish after which they go back to bed. They also started solids about 3-4 weeks ago.
Back to the story:
The 4pm feed went ok, until half way through Caitlin started to shake all over. Scary to see. This went on for about 2-3 minutes I think. It seemed like forever and I didn't have a clock to really time it. Called the GP after it happened, and then on their advise called 000. We went to the Mater Childrens emergency by ambulance where she was checked out and she is ok now. We need to have an EEG to determine if she might have child epilepsy and we're waiting to find out when that will be.
20 November 2008
A diseased household
Well its been a while, Life has been 'interesting' in the Nutley residence. About 3 weeks ago now I came down with a flu which caused Duane to stay home and look after the girls. It truly knocked me about.
Then last week on Friday Caitlin was really fussy. Towards the end of the day Emma had joined in and I was totally convinced they had started teething (again - them teeth keep popping up and down, never breaking through). On Saturday we had snotty noses, gunked up eyes and a temperature so off to the doctors we went. Yep - its viral - keep an eye on them and it should slowly improve over time.
Now Duane is on my case regulary that I need to ask for help more often. I don't agree with that and told him numerous times that I'll ask for help when it is REALLY needed, and not just because I'm getting a tat tired. Well, on Friday I decided enough is enough, Caitlin had been in my arms crying for a good hour and a half and I needed to change Emma, and I had groceries on the counter I couldn't put away because I couldn't put Caitlin down at all. So I called Duane and asked him to organise some help for me asap. This is when he 'finally' realised asking for help is not as easy as it sounds. Whom can you really approach to come and help you at the drop of a hat in the middle of a working day? People just are not that readily available. Give them a days warning and all is good and people are able and willing to come to our aid... unfortunately things don't work that way with babies... they cry when they want to, not when it is convenient.
Anyways, back to the story of this post.
Both Emma and Caitlin got slightly worse on Sunday, but not enough to worry me. Duane had organised help for me for Monday (thank you Lindy and Helen!!)and Tuesday (Thank you Sue!!). Then it came to Wednesday and Les & Ruth came down to help, in spite of both of them recuperating from some sun-spot removal procedures. Can't keep the grandparents away from their sick grandchildren :)
During daytime the girls would improve quite significantly but at night they would start coughing and coughing and wake up from it. This resulted ofcourse in Duane and I getting less sleep than when they were first born and when I also started to develop a cold again on tuesday and Duane got the symptoms I had two weeks earlier.... it is hard to keep going.
So onto Wednesday (yesterday). Duane at work, and me not entirely sure what is going on with the girls. They were in principle improving, but they had coughing fits which would not be out of place on a chainsmoker with a 50 year habit. We couldn't have dinner normally, and at 7:00 the girls were in bed and sleeping - kinda - At 7:45 Caitlin woke up with major coughing and a blocked nose again. Duane decided to cave and get a humidifier (this is a bit of a weird thing - the doctors don't seem to know whether it is good or not - they mention it, then say it could do good and harm, just to try if you are game to do so) This seemed to help Caitlin. However, the increased humidity in the air sent Emma into a coughing frenzy. After about 20 minutes (and she had been removed from the room for atleast 15) we called 13Health to ask for advise on what to do. The rains had started by that time (did I mention we had torrential rains last night? no?I'll get to that later). The lady on the other end of the line told me after about 5 minutes of 'probing' questions to take the girls to the nearest emergency as soon as possible. Which is what we ended up doing. We got to Wesley Emergency in Auchenflower and the girls were seen to rather quickly and just before midnight we were driving back along the centenary motorway when we were forced into a near-flooded lane due to an accident on the side of the road. The rain was bucketing down.
We came home, gave the girls a feed and put them to bed. They went down well and I was in bed fairly shortly thereafter. I was so tired, I hadn't had a decent nights sleep in 3 nights and I had a cold which was getting worse. I hadn't been in bed for 10 minutes when Duane told me there was water in the garage. Our first thought was that something wasn't fixed right when the hot water system was replaced earlier this year and removed from the garage. We moved some cupboards, but the walls were completely dry, just half an inch of water and more coming in. So we went looking on the other side of the wall. We could see water was pooling the moment we opened the laundry door, and when I stepped out it was well above my enkle. Opened the side gate (to create more room for the water to flow to the road) and I started to use a broom to sweep the water out to the road. Part of the retaining wall between us and our next door neighbour has come down, which caused the problems. We worked together until about 2 am to get most of the water out. Then a shower and to bed.
This week is a write-off. Hopefully things will look up a bit next week. Even writing this I feel odd, people in other suburbs have lost their houses due to the rain/weather this week so really I'm complaining over nothing.... just jot that one down to me being rather tired and desparately in need of a break.
Hope you all had a good week :)
Then last week on Friday Caitlin was really fussy. Towards the end of the day Emma had joined in and I was totally convinced they had started teething (again - them teeth keep popping up and down, never breaking through). On Saturday we had snotty noses, gunked up eyes and a temperature so off to the doctors we went. Yep - its viral - keep an eye on them and it should slowly improve over time.
Now Duane is on my case regulary that I need to ask for help more often. I don't agree with that and told him numerous times that I'll ask for help when it is REALLY needed, and not just because I'm getting a tat tired. Well, on Friday I decided enough is enough, Caitlin had been in my arms crying for a good hour and a half and I needed to change Emma, and I had groceries on the counter I couldn't put away because I couldn't put Caitlin down at all. So I called Duane and asked him to organise some help for me asap. This is when he 'finally' realised asking for help is not as easy as it sounds. Whom can you really approach to come and help you at the drop of a hat in the middle of a working day? People just are not that readily available. Give them a days warning and all is good and people are able and willing to come to our aid... unfortunately things don't work that way with babies... they cry when they want to, not when it is convenient.
Anyways, back to the story of this post.
Both Emma and Caitlin got slightly worse on Sunday, but not enough to worry me. Duane had organised help for me for Monday (thank you Lindy and Helen!!)and Tuesday (Thank you Sue!!). Then it came to Wednesday and Les & Ruth came down to help, in spite of both of them recuperating from some sun-spot removal procedures. Can't keep the grandparents away from their sick grandchildren :)
During daytime the girls would improve quite significantly but at night they would start coughing and coughing and wake up from it. This resulted ofcourse in Duane and I getting less sleep than when they were first born and when I also started to develop a cold again on tuesday and Duane got the symptoms I had two weeks earlier.... it is hard to keep going.
So onto Wednesday (yesterday). Duane at work, and me not entirely sure what is going on with the girls. They were in principle improving, but they had coughing fits which would not be out of place on a chainsmoker with a 50 year habit. We couldn't have dinner normally, and at 7:00 the girls were in bed and sleeping - kinda - At 7:45 Caitlin woke up with major coughing and a blocked nose again. Duane decided to cave and get a humidifier (this is a bit of a weird thing - the doctors don't seem to know whether it is good or not - they mention it, then say it could do good and harm, just to try if you are game to do so) This seemed to help Caitlin. However, the increased humidity in the air sent Emma into a coughing frenzy. After about 20 minutes (and she had been removed from the room for atleast 15) we called 13Health to ask for advise on what to do. The rains had started by that time (did I mention we had torrential rains last night? no?I'll get to that later). The lady on the other end of the line told me after about 5 minutes of 'probing' questions to take the girls to the nearest emergency as soon as possible. Which is what we ended up doing. We got to Wesley Emergency in Auchenflower and the girls were seen to rather quickly and just before midnight we were driving back along the centenary motorway when we were forced into a near-flooded lane due to an accident on the side of the road. The rain was bucketing down.
We came home, gave the girls a feed and put them to bed. They went down well and I was in bed fairly shortly thereafter. I was so tired, I hadn't had a decent nights sleep in 3 nights and I had a cold which was getting worse. I hadn't been in bed for 10 minutes when Duane told me there was water in the garage. Our first thought was that something wasn't fixed right when the hot water system was replaced earlier this year and removed from the garage. We moved some cupboards, but the walls were completely dry, just half an inch of water and more coming in. So we went looking on the other side of the wall. We could see water was pooling the moment we opened the laundry door, and when I stepped out it was well above my enkle. Opened the side gate (to create more room for the water to flow to the road) and I started to use a broom to sweep the water out to the road. Part of the retaining wall between us and our next door neighbour has come down, which caused the problems. We worked together until about 2 am to get most of the water out. Then a shower and to bed.
This week is a write-off. Hopefully things will look up a bit next week. Even writing this I feel odd, people in other suburbs have lost their houses due to the rain/weather this week so really I'm complaining over nothing.... just jot that one down to me being rather tired and desparately in need of a break.
Hope you all had a good week :)
04 November 2008
Language development and learning
First of all, I realised I haven't updated this thing for a while. The girls grow so fast and learn new things every week. They had their 4 month check-up and all is well. They had their immunisations and besides a few tears, no problems at all. Duane and I are really settling into this mummy-and-daddy stuff. It truly is rather cool.
What is so cool? I've always been amazed by the learning process of babies/children etc. They come out knowing nothing and in a few short years they learn to communicate, move, coordination, cause-and-effect, etc. Pretty nifty if you ask me :)
Now we have two babies, and it is even funkier to see the differences between them.
Emma:
She is still the smaller of the two, she weighs about 1kg less than Caitlin and is about 3cm shorter. Her vocabulary at this point in time consists of a "Ggrrrr" in the back of her throat, a pfft (rasberry),"arr", a loud laugh and a cute giggle.
She is not too keen on rolling, but she discovered today she can get herself onto her tummy. Hasn't figured out how to move the bottom arm into a more comfortable position so we need to help her with that. Her hand-eye coordination is good, her head control is excelent. She sits firmly with help (balance is missing but the strength is there). When playing with different objects she uses both hands to grab hold of things. When we place her on her tummy she can keep her head up well. She doesn't really push through the arms yet, it would be rather early for it. She can stand on both legs for a few seconds with assistance. moving around is not really an issue for Emma. She will rotate around her own axle, and has this funny way of throwing her legs and bottom in the air and moving a few cm. There is not much coordination in it yet, the direction of movement is not really predictable for anyone (including her) and she runs into her sis regulary.
Caitlin:
Has a great vocab: "Grrrr" and "Pfft" have been on the repetoir for a while. On the weekend she discovered "oooww" and today she had an epiphany: She can talk without opening her mouth. Its the biggest joke ever and it makes her giggle and laugh. so now we also have "HMMMMMM". (well its more of a "HMmmmm-m-m-hmg-ggg-ha-ha-ha". We have ofcourse "AAHHhh" and "AAhhrr" and the giggle and laugh. She has been able to roll from her tummy onto her back for a few weeks, however, when it happens it still is mostly accidental and then it turns into a game. She can turn onto her tummy and has for a few weeks now, she also has not figured out the freeing up of the bottom arm and doesn't seem too interested in that to be honest. She will grab for things and use both hands, but mostly she is just happy flailing and having accidental hits on the toys we have on a dangly string near them in the play-pen.
oh, and both the girls are strong: Mr Lion and Mrs Rabbit are thrown about quite a bit, and quite some distance. Which really is an achievement: Those stuffed animals are nearly half the size of either girl.
The cutest thing is that they have discovered eachother. They are making sounds to eachother and reaching out and touching eachothers hands. Not all the time, and not very often at the same time (which is rather sad for the one who is trying to engage the other in conversation...).
Oh and lastly: That feeling everyone keeps telling you you should have as a mother the first time you look at your baby? It finally happened last week. It wasn't that I didn't love my girls, I sure have, but this all absorbing, "oh-how-cute-are-you-and-you-are-my-daughter" feeling didn't happen until last week. I wasn't worried, I knew it would happen, I just thought to mention it so I could disspell the myth of "instant motherly love" which makes so many new mums feel guilty because it so often doesn't happen straight away.
What is so cool? I've always been amazed by the learning process of babies/children etc. They come out knowing nothing and in a few short years they learn to communicate, move, coordination, cause-and-effect, etc. Pretty nifty if you ask me :)
Now we have two babies, and it is even funkier to see the differences between them.
Emma:
She is still the smaller of the two, she weighs about 1kg less than Caitlin and is about 3cm shorter. Her vocabulary at this point in time consists of a "Ggrrrr" in the back of her throat, a pfft (rasberry),"arr", a loud laugh and a cute giggle.
She is not too keen on rolling, but she discovered today she can get herself onto her tummy. Hasn't figured out how to move the bottom arm into a more comfortable position so we need to help her with that. Her hand-eye coordination is good, her head control is excelent. She sits firmly with help (balance is missing but the strength is there). When playing with different objects she uses both hands to grab hold of things. When we place her on her tummy she can keep her head up well. She doesn't really push through the arms yet, it would be rather early for it. She can stand on both legs for a few seconds with assistance. moving around is not really an issue for Emma. She will rotate around her own axle, and has this funny way of throwing her legs and bottom in the air and moving a few cm. There is not much coordination in it yet, the direction of movement is not really predictable for anyone (including her) and she runs into her sis regulary.
Caitlin:
Has a great vocab: "Grrrr" and "Pfft" have been on the repetoir for a while. On the weekend she discovered "oooww" and today she had an epiphany: She can talk without opening her mouth. Its the biggest joke ever and it makes her giggle and laugh. so now we also have "HMMMMMM". (well its more of a "HMmmmm-m-m-hmg-ggg-ha-ha-ha". We have ofcourse "AAHHhh" and "AAhhrr" and the giggle and laugh. She has been able to roll from her tummy onto her back for a few weeks, however, when it happens it still is mostly accidental and then it turns into a game. She can turn onto her tummy and has for a few weeks now, she also has not figured out the freeing up of the bottom arm and doesn't seem too interested in that to be honest. She will grab for things and use both hands, but mostly she is just happy flailing and having accidental hits on the toys we have on a dangly string near them in the play-pen.
oh, and both the girls are strong: Mr Lion and Mrs Rabbit are thrown about quite a bit, and quite some distance. Which really is an achievement: Those stuffed animals are nearly half the size of either girl.
The cutest thing is that they have discovered eachother. They are making sounds to eachother and reaching out and touching eachothers hands. Not all the time, and not very often at the same time (which is rather sad for the one who is trying to engage the other in conversation...).
Oh and lastly: That feeling everyone keeps telling you you should have as a mother the first time you look at your baby? It finally happened last week. It wasn't that I didn't love my girls, I sure have, but this all absorbing, "oh-how-cute-are-you-and-you-are-my-daughter" feeling didn't happen until last week. I wasn't worried, I knew it would happen, I just thought to mention it so I could disspell the myth of "instant motherly love" which makes so many new mums feel guilty because it so often doesn't happen straight away.
22 September 2008
3 months update
Emma and Caitlin are about 3.5months old now. They are growing really well. They have more than doubled their weight since birth and recently they have started 'talking'. Sleep is good, and luckely they agree with us on that front. Since they were about 8 weeks old they have been sleeping from 7:30 pm to 2:00 am no problems. Nowadays the 2:00 am feed is moving slowly closer and closer to the 6 am feed. They often wake up close to 4:00 am. I'm really hopeful we might loose the 4 am feed soon once they start sleeping through until 6. For those without kids, you don't realise how much this sleep deprivation thing really knocks you for six until you have newborns in the house.
They are interacting and showing more and more of their personalities. This is amazing to see, and really cute. Every once in a while they seem to notice eachother and poke their tongues out at one another or make little sounds at one another. I can just melt when that happens :)
Emma is the more gutsy of the two. She is on the whole a really happy baby. Doesn't cry much at all. However, when she isn't happy she is not backwards about being forwards. Her smile is so georgeous, it lights up her face and is totally adorable. She still has periods of "newborn-ness" where she stares off into space not noticing much of anything. She is also the smaller of the two, yet her development of movement she is a bit further advanced than Caitlin. She is better at lifting her head, and she is better at reaching for and grabbing hold of things.
Caitlin is the larger and older of the two (by about a minute). She now knows familiar faces from strangers and isn't too sure what to make of people she doesn't recognise. She scares easely, but is also relatively easy to calm down when she gets upset. New noises, new things etc she gets a bit upset. The other day Duane immitated a phone (prrt...prrt) and she got a real fright. Caitlin is more 'alert' than Emma, She really recognises different people and remembers them for longer. She is also more coy/shy. Where Emmas face starts smiling bigtime, Caitlins smile starts small and then works its way across her face to be atleast as radient as the smiles Emma gives. She has a larger 'vocab' of sounds, and tries to imitate more. She is not as physically advanced as Emma. Lifting her head is not something she is really good at yet, but then again, she has a bigger head than Emma so its a lot more work.
Today we had our first swimming lesson and both girls really enjoyed it. After a while Caitlin really had enough and started crying. I'm sure she'll enjoy it again next time tho. it also looks like both girls have started teething. A bit early, but if thats happening it explains the stream of saliver, the gnawing on the hands and the irritability.
Caitlin talking to papa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guwKHS7B7BU
Emma Laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjUqJTMB4m8
Playing is so exhausting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA7kKYNhSFo
They are interacting and showing more and more of their personalities. This is amazing to see, and really cute. Every once in a while they seem to notice eachother and poke their tongues out at one another or make little sounds at one another. I can just melt when that happens :)
Emma is the more gutsy of the two. She is on the whole a really happy baby. Doesn't cry much at all. However, when she isn't happy she is not backwards about being forwards. Her smile is so georgeous, it lights up her face and is totally adorable. She still has periods of "newborn-ness" where she stares off into space not noticing much of anything. She is also the smaller of the two, yet her development of movement she is a bit further advanced than Caitlin. She is better at lifting her head, and she is better at reaching for and grabbing hold of things.
Caitlin is the larger and older of the two (by about a minute). She now knows familiar faces from strangers and isn't too sure what to make of people she doesn't recognise. She scares easely, but is also relatively easy to calm down when she gets upset. New noises, new things etc she gets a bit upset. The other day Duane immitated a phone (prrt...prrt) and she got a real fright. Caitlin is more 'alert' than Emma, She really recognises different people and remembers them for longer. She is also more coy/shy. Where Emmas face starts smiling bigtime, Caitlins smile starts small and then works its way across her face to be atleast as radient as the smiles Emma gives. She has a larger 'vocab' of sounds, and tries to imitate more. She is not as physically advanced as Emma. Lifting her head is not something she is really good at yet, but then again, she has a bigger head than Emma so its a lot more work.
Today we had our first swimming lesson and both girls really enjoyed it. After a while Caitlin really had enough and started crying. I'm sure she'll enjoy it again next time tho. it also looks like both girls have started teething. A bit early, but if thats happening it explains the stream of saliver, the gnawing on the hands and the irritability.
Caitlin talking to papa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guwKHS7B7BU
Emma Laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjUqJTMB4m8
Playing is so exhausting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA7kKYNhSFo
09 September 2008
Mum of twins
The girls are 12 weeks this week, one more week and they are officially 3 months and we'll stop counting weeks and start counting months. Its funny how that works. When you are pregnant you count in weeks. Then when you deliver you start counting days, then weeks and now we're upgrading to months :)
The girls are doing great and life has changed somewhat. I've joined a mothers group at the child health clinic. The clinic itself is amazingly good at making me feel inadequate and a horrible mother. Also, they (the girls) have dropped a feed and since I've been concerned with their weight-gain. I'm going to be happy once we see some good gains again. The girls look healthy tho, and there is absolutely nothing wrong except for this cold they have picked up from Duane.
So rather than look at the girls, I thought I'd use this review point to look at myself and how I'm doing. Not as interesting for you all as reading about the girls I'm sure, but something important for me to do. As most of you know I've suffered the effects of post traumatic stress disorder for quite a number of years now, and mostly I'm able to manage really well. I've not needed medication and/or therapy for more than 13 years. Hec, I even went through the whole infertility business without needing additional support. Emotionally I'm doing good. I've not had any major "bad spells" since giving birth, I've been surprisingly upbeat and together actually. I've been coping far better than I thought I would. Duane sais I should be proud of myself, but it is hard to be proud of something that is the way it should be in the first place.
I've identified something in myself which I don't know how to deal with. I don't mind asking for help, but only if something is of the nature that I feel that getting help is justified. I feel awkward asking people to come and help me with the girls when Duane is away as they are our responsibility and I shouldn't need to trouble others with that. The short of it is that the actual 'care' for the girls is not that hard. Changing a nappy, washing them, feeding them etc. It is the attention they require that makes it challenging and that bit is the fun part.
So really when I ask for help it is not for them, it is more for me because I feel lonely and need interaction and that is where it becomes hard to ask. I have no problems asking if it is for them, but asking something for me? now thats hard. It feels like imposing on people for the wrong reasons and using the girls as an argument which feels wrong.
For some reason I've cultivated the attitude of "if-people-want-me-around-they'll-ask-me-and-if-they-don't,-they-obviously-don't-want-me-around-so-I'm-better-off-staying-away-and-not-troubling-them" for a LONG time eventhough it is not logical I feel really selfconsious and awkward contacting people
Then there is the perfectionist in me who keeps telling me that if I can do a good job at work normally I should be able to run a neat household as well. It can't be 'that' hard right?
So between the two of those I get exhausted and I still feel like I don't give the girls what they are entitled to aspecially when they are both upset and need settling and I'm home alone. Yesterday morning I sat on the floor bawling my eyes out because both of them were terribly upset, I couldn't work out what was wrong with either of them and I just felt like I failed them, myself, Duane and mostly I felt like I was a terrible mother.
So what do I do? I feel sorry for myself for a bit, then pick myself up, give myself a mental kick up the bottom and keep going. What else is there to do right?
ok, thats me done bearing my soul.. hec most of you whom have seen me feed the girls have seen my boobs, why not right?
On a different note: Something I've heard a lot lately: "Geez, you don't look like the mother of twins". I've been thinking about this a lot. What would a mother of twins look like, how would you recognise one in the street? Are we supposed to grow a second head? Maybe a third breast? different skin tone? A look in our eyes that shows we're close to insanity?... I'd love to know *grins*
The girls are doing great and life has changed somewhat. I've joined a mothers group at the child health clinic. The clinic itself is amazingly good at making me feel inadequate and a horrible mother. Also, they (the girls) have dropped a feed and since I've been concerned with their weight-gain. I'm going to be happy once we see some good gains again. The girls look healthy tho, and there is absolutely nothing wrong except for this cold they have picked up from Duane.
So rather than look at the girls, I thought I'd use this review point to look at myself and how I'm doing. Not as interesting for you all as reading about the girls I'm sure, but something important for me to do. As most of you know I've suffered the effects of post traumatic stress disorder for quite a number of years now, and mostly I'm able to manage really well. I've not needed medication and/or therapy for more than 13 years. Hec, I even went through the whole infertility business without needing additional support. Emotionally I'm doing good. I've not had any major "bad spells" since giving birth, I've been surprisingly upbeat and together actually. I've been coping far better than I thought I would. Duane sais I should be proud of myself, but it is hard to be proud of something that is the way it should be in the first place.
I've identified something in myself which I don't know how to deal with. I don't mind asking for help, but only if something is of the nature that I feel that getting help is justified. I feel awkward asking people to come and help me with the girls when Duane is away as they are our responsibility and I shouldn't need to trouble others with that. The short of it is that the actual 'care' for the girls is not that hard. Changing a nappy, washing them, feeding them etc. It is the attention they require that makes it challenging and that bit is the fun part.
So really when I ask for help it is not for them, it is more for me because I feel lonely and need interaction and that is where it becomes hard to ask. I have no problems asking if it is for them, but asking something for me? now thats hard. It feels like imposing on people for the wrong reasons and using the girls as an argument which feels wrong.
For some reason I've cultivated the attitude of "if-people-want-me-around-they'll-ask-me-and-if-they-don't,-they-obviously-don't-want-me-around-so-I'm-better-off-staying-away-and-not-troubling-them" for a LONG time eventhough it is not logical I feel really selfconsious and awkward contacting people
Then there is the perfectionist in me who keeps telling me that if I can do a good job at work normally I should be able to run a neat household as well. It can't be 'that' hard right?
So between the two of those I get exhausted and I still feel like I don't give the girls what they are entitled to aspecially when they are both upset and need settling and I'm home alone. Yesterday morning I sat on the floor bawling my eyes out because both of them were terribly upset, I couldn't work out what was wrong with either of them and I just felt like I failed them, myself, Duane and mostly I felt like I was a terrible mother.
So what do I do? I feel sorry for myself for a bit, then pick myself up, give myself a mental kick up the bottom and keep going. What else is there to do right?
ok, thats me done bearing my soul.. hec most of you whom have seen me feed the girls have seen my boobs, why not right?
On a different note: Something I've heard a lot lately: "Geez, you don't look like the mother of twins". I've been thinking about this a lot. What would a mother of twins look like, how would you recognise one in the street? Are we supposed to grow a second head? Maybe a third breast? different skin tone? A look in our eyes that shows we're close to insanity?... I'd love to know *grins*
04 September 2008
Babypoo doesn't stink
I came to a conclusion today: Babypoo doesn't smell all that bad.. atleast, not yet. We're still breastfeeding so I'm sure it will be a totally different story once solids are introduced. It must be something biological though, maybe only the poo of your own babies doesn't stink. Just so you don't get too grossed out and stop taking care of the baby or something like that.
So how are things going? Good. The girls are now 10 weeks and have dropped one of the night feeds. Unfortunately they dropped the 10 pm one, not the 2 am one. We tried to have them drop the latter by waking them up for their 10pm feed... that didn't work. The moment we stopped doing that, they slept straight through.
I've been going to mothers group at the child health clinic. Total waste of time, except for meeting the mums. The person running it is not all that realistic about things. I still think the pediatrician had the right of it when he said to me "when people start talking about absolutes when it comes to babies, don't listen to a word they say. Every child is different, and what works for one, doesn't work for the other". Needless to say, I'm not listening to a word this person has to say.
We enrolled our babies for their first 'school'... swim school. We're starting beginning of october.
I don't really have anything insightful to say this post, exept: "sleep is good".
Take care all,
Agnes
So how are things going? Good. The girls are now 10 weeks and have dropped one of the night feeds. Unfortunately they dropped the 10 pm one, not the 2 am one. We tried to have them drop the latter by waking them up for their 10pm feed... that didn't work. The moment we stopped doing that, they slept straight through.
I've been going to mothers group at the child health clinic. Total waste of time, except for meeting the mums. The person running it is not all that realistic about things. I still think the pediatrician had the right of it when he said to me "when people start talking about absolutes when it comes to babies, don't listen to a word they say. Every child is different, and what works for one, doesn't work for the other". Needless to say, I'm not listening to a word this person has to say.
We enrolled our babies for their first 'school'... swim school. We're starting beginning of october.
I don't really have anything insightful to say this post, exept: "sleep is good".
Take care all,
Agnes
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